I made a sad realization today. And by today I mean about an hour ago on one of the machines at LA Fitness.
That realization is that I will never look good – or even remotely decent – while at the gym. How could I? It’s an impossible feat. The world is setting me up for failure. I will use today as the perfect example of why I look like the living dead at the gym.
1) I’m wearing a sports bra under a tank top. Which looks stupid.
2) I’m wearing my Delta Gamma Anchorsplash 2011 shorts. Which means no one will take me seriously.
3) I’m not wearing any make-up. Which means I look like the 12-year-old version of myself that resembles that horrible picture of me circa 2002 that my mother refuses to take off the fridge (and is now also saved in the picture galleries of most of my friends’ iPhones, thanks Mom). Haunting.
4) My hair is in a bun. No explanation needed.
5) I’m not actually any good at working out. Which means that no matter what I was wearing, I would just look totally awkward. Think about it. Even if some girl strolled in, looking a little on the rough side, but she’s running 5 miles on the treadmill, doing 200+ sit-ups, and schooling all those 6’3″ jacked dudes on the basketball court, she’d still have some credibility. I’m just a crusty-looking bum chillin’ out on the elliptical machine, listening to playlists on 8tracks with really awkward names like “No One Ever Drowned In Sweat” that always somehow manage to pop up on my Facebook timeline. So embarrassing.
Which made me realize – working out is kind of like a paradox. Why do we go to the gym? To look good. But how do we (and when I say we, I 100% mean “I”) look when we’re at the gym? HORRIBLE! Looking bad in an attempt to look good. It doesn’t make sense. It’s just unfair.
Why do we put ourselves through this?? Why do we subject ourselves to such torture from the world?? So come on, awkward looking people at the gym, it’s time we take a stand!!
Next time I go to the gym I’m going to shower first, leave my hair looking beautiful and flowing, wear little white shorts with a cute pink tank to match my sneaks, and just power walk on the treadmill for 25 minutes. BOOM.
…Or I’m just gonna lay on the couch and continue to watch my Law & Order SVU marathon. Either option works.
Probably the latter.