Day Ninety-Nine – The Bourne Confusion

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Spoiler alert. I may ruin the plot of this movie for you, so if you haven’t seen it, you might not want to read any further.

Or it might not matter since I don’t think I understood this movie anyway.

Also disclaimer, this WILL be boring but I know Daniella will think it’s funny so read at your own risk.

I went on a movie date last week to see The Bourne Legacy. Normally I would’ve demanded to see something more along the lines of Ice Age: Continental Drift, but he paid for my hibachi dinner a few nights before. Plus, he was buying the tickets, so I felt obligated to let him pick the movie. Since it was a total waste of 135 minutes, I figure I’ll make the $11.50 money well-spent by writing a plot summary/review of the movie.

No talking or texting while reading this post.

Here’s the plot.

The movie starts and they’re in Alaska. I only know this because some words popped up that said “Alaska.” The main character, Jeremy Renner, whose name is Aaron in the movie, is training for something. He’s taking drugs – blue and green pills. Don’t know why. He climbs a snowy mountain and some guy in a tree sees him and keeps asking how he got there so fast or something.

Tree Man:”You beat the record.” *Aaron is confused.* “You didn’t even know there was a record, did you?”

Aaron and Tree Man go back to this cozy little cabin and talk about their drugs. They’re clearly not supposed to be discussing anything because Tree Man is visibly uncomfortable with the conversation. Aaron pretends he lost a bunch of his drugs while wolves were chasing him because he wants more. More uncomfortable conversation, and you find out T.M. is in Alaska because he fell in love and I guess you’re not supposed to do that (?). They eat dinner and Aaron goes to bed and sees “JASON BOURNE” carved into the wood. And he furrow his brow. This part is all pretty detailed because at this point I was still really paying attention.

WHERE IS MATT DAMON?

Then there’s some CIA stuff. People are finding out about “the program.” (I leaned over and asked what the program was, and my date informed me, “The thing Jason Bourne was in, that’s why they were chasing him.” Oh okay. Got it.) So they decide to kill off all the people in the program and they start giving them yellow drugs instead of the blue and green ones. Three people die, including the Asian lady who I already knew was going to die because I saw it in the movie trailer. Switch back to Alaska, and Aaron and T.M. are getting ready to leave. They hear a weird noise, so Aaron goes outside and OUT OF NOWHERE A MISSLE BLOWS UP THE ALASKAN CABIN!!!11 Poor T.M. But Aaron knows something is up so he puts his jacket inside out and runs away. CIA people are tracking them (They must have the Find My Friends iPhone app) but Aaron is smart, catches a wolf, and puts his tracker in the wolf so they think he’s dead too. Aaron FTW.

Back in Not-Alaska (I don’t know where the rest of the movie takes place), the girl who is clearly the supporting actress in the movie is the only person to survive when a “program” employee goes on a shooting rampage and kills everyone in the lab that makes the drugs. Serious PTSD. So these CIA people come to her house to “evaluate” her, so they say. NO WAY JOSE. All of a sudden they’re gonna kill her! But thank God Aaron somehow knew a) where she was, b) that people were there, and c) that they were gonna shoot her so he comes flying through the window and saves her!!!! After the CIA people are dead, they set the house on fire.

…MATT DAMON?

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No, not Matt Damon. But still f*cking sh*t up.

The rest of the movie is them running away. You find out the drugs are keeping Aaron alive because the CIA “program” people made him sick, and he’s obviously super pissed. Girl tells him that she doesn’t have any more meds – they make them all the way in theΒ Philippines. No biggie. Aaron makes a SICK fake passport for her (where was Aaron when I was underage and needed a good ID?!) and they go to the Philippines. By this point, the CIA has figured out somethings up. The burnt-down attack house is checked out and there are four dead bodies – none of them are Girl. So they’re like, “WTF? How did she escape?” They start looking things up on their super high-tech computers and call airports and watch surveillance videos and realize ZOMG ITS AARON!! HOW IS HE NOT DEAD??

Okay, by the way, WHERE IS MATT DAMON?

 

Race against time for Aaron and Girl to get to the Philippines. They get there, get some drugs from this “program” facility because they easily convince the Asians they need to go inside. CIA calls the boss at the place and is like, “LOCK IT DOWN” but too late, Aaron is beating people up and they escape. At some point, Girl has told Aaron he needs to viral off of the meds. That night they stay in a weird hotel/apartment and he is having serious withdrawal symptoms, I thought he was gonna die, but then I forget the main character in Bourne movies NEVER DIES! Viva la Matt Damon! In the morning though, Girl realizes people are onto them, so she tries distracting the cops, but feeding into the stereotype that girls can’t get things done on their on, she fails and Aaron, who is magically no longer sick and strong as ever, jumps out a window and saves her.

The rest of the movie takes place on motorcycles – an all-too-long high speed chase through the Philippines with Asian dudes chasing Aaron and Girl. Finally Girl does something useful and kicks the guy chasing them off his bike. He dies (I’m assuming), but A and G crash and this little Asian boy sees them and Girl is like HALP! So he’s like “Daaaaaaad can we help these people?”

Next scene – they’re on a boat in the Philippines. I guess gonna live on that boat forever? Girl says, “I was hoping we were lost.” I’m assuming she was trying to be flirty but it didn’t work. Then the CIA sees a tape that shows that Philippine hotel room they stayed in and Aaron had hung his pill-case necklace on the mirror and wrote “NO MORE” on it. I don’t know when he had time to do that because he was busy saving Girl but I guess it was for necessary dramatic effect.

Girl and Aaron never even kiss so the sexual tension is never resolved and Matt Damon isn’t in it so I’m not sure how they were allowed to call it a Bourne movie.

The Bourne Confusion.

Here’s my review.

It sucked. Don’t see it unless you’re obsessed with the Bourne movies, you’re going with a guy who just bought you Hibachi and you’re nice like me, or you have a full movie theater with recliner seats in your basement like Daniella’s aunt on Long Island.

That is all.

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