Monthly Archives: January 2013

Day 260 – Unreal-ity TV

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More than once, my college roommates and I had discussions on what it would be like if all 7 of us were contestants on ABC’s The Bachelor at the same time. And to be honest with you, there is really only one word I can use to describe what it would be like.

Chaos.

Pure, unadulterated (and probably violent) chaos. Because that’s what it was when we all wanted to shower at the same time. Share a boyfriend? With a handful of other bikini-clad girls? No no no, that’s not something you’d want to unfold.

Mod Fight

Actual Photo. Taken November 2009.
Reason for Fight: Only One Mozzarella Stick Left.

So while it would be for our own safety not to cast us on the show, it would be great television. And up against any other crazies who weren’t already my roommates/best friends turned arch rivals when Sean Lowe walks in the room, we’d probably all have a pretty decent shot at winning The Bachelor.

As crazy as we’d sometimes get in my house, up against the psychotic bimbos that sign up to be on this show, I think we’d prove to be normal sober level-headed realistic less psychotic. Plus, it would be SO MUCH FUN.

But let’s clarify here. I know they call this reality TV, but there is nothing real about it. First and foremost, any drop-dead gorgeous, tan, chiseled, romantic, family oriented man who is ready to settle down and find a wife and start a family PROBABLY DOESN’T HAVE A PROBLEM FINDING LOVE. And if any are still out there, struggling so much that they’re considering going on national TV to find “the one,” please give him my number. Secondly, the dates. Are. Incredible. Not that I’m knocking any dates I’ve been on, but they don’t exactly compare to having an amusement park all to ourselves for the day (dream date!) or being treated to a shopping spree including a stop at Neil Lane.

In fact, compared to a lot of the other shows on television, things like The Bachelor are as far from “reality” as you can get. These girls literally leave their jobs and families (sometimes including their children that they gush about) to spend weeks at a Mansion in LA with a 24-hour margarita machine, 25 other crazy bitches, and a hot dude. Chyeah. That’s not real.

But…

Would anything really hold me back from going on the show if I had the chance? Probably not.  Have I filled out an application to be the Bachelorette? Maybe. Would I be okay spending the rest of my life with Sean Lowe? Yes.

Sean Lowe

Yes, Sean, I will accept this rose!
….No seriously, give it to me. NOW.

I’ll tell you this much. 365 Days in the Life of a Bachelor Contestant would probably be a much more entertaining blog than this one. So maybe you all should help me become the next Bachelorette. Just sayin’.

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Day 254 – Cold Weather Survival Guide

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So this is what my walk from Penn Station to my office building looked like this morning:

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It was real rough. High of 20 degrees for the day, wind chill at 0 degrees… It’s no wonder I booked a flight back to Miami yesterday afternoon. This is some beyond-the-wall nonsense and I never agreed to any of it. So unless I’m cuddling with Jon Snow in a snug little castle I really shouldn’t have to deal with this.

Born and raised in Queens, I should probably be more equipped to deal with these wintery temperatures but four years in South Florida has thinned my blood. I mean, by senior year, I was pulling on Ugg boots when the temps hit the high 50s, even low 60s. Spoiled. Spoiled rotten. And now here I am completely unprepared for life in the tundra that is New York City.

To my friends from the northeast still enjoying the South Florida weather, I’m making this post your Cold Weather Survival Guide so that you may be more prepared than I was for these frigid January temps. The following are some things that are essential to own or do during your first winter home in NYC/anywhere else in the northeast:

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The biggest, warmest, fuzziest slippers possible. I think the worst feeling for me thus far has been having to tip-toe across the FREEZING COLD tile floor of my bathroom to get in the shower on these frosty winter mornings. Keep your tootsies toasty in some slippas.

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The blanket cocoon is an absolute necessity when trying to go to sleep at night (especially for those of you with bedrooms in the basement…aka…me). To Properly Cocoon: Lay in pencil pose at one end of the blanket holding the edge against you and roll across the bed until you are entirely cocooned. Then, when you’re wrapped like a taquito, lift your legs an tuck the end under so that the bottom flap won’t let any frigid air in. Voila. Blanket cocoon. See below for demonstration.

Blanket Cocoon

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Chapstick. Seriously. Don’t go ANYWHERE without it or your lips will actually fall off of your face and no one will ever kiss you EVER AGAIN.

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Snuggie_Burgandy_1000

Snuggies. Underrated because it actually is convenient for a blanket to have sleeves (unless of course you’re trying to blanket cocoon [see above] in which case a Snuggie is not ideal). But seriously. You’re under a blanket, nice and warm, and don’t even need to take your arm out from under it as you reach for your….

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…steamy hot beverage. I have never drank more hot tea than I have the past few weeks. I think my BTC (blood tea content) is definitely through the roof, but I’m okay with it because there’s nothing I want to be more than hot blooded in these cold winter months.

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spirit-hood

One of these. Which apparently are called Spirithoods even though I’ve always referred to them as “Fuzzy Animal Hats With Paws Attached” which I still think is a much better name for them, but whatever. I’m a fan and they’re super cozy. Plus, you can take really cute SnapChats in them to send to people captioned “Rawr! *kitty emoji*” and it makes everyone all warm inside, and remember, warm = good.

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Bake things. Baked goodies make everyone feel a little warmer, whether it’s the actual extra layer they’re adding onto your hips or just the enjoyment of some sweet, melty goodness on a cold winter night. Like the Brownie Cupcakes with a Reese’s Center that I made last week. Cook brownie batter in cupcake tins, but put a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup in the middle while you’re pouring in the batter and bake for 20 mins. on 375 degrees. Throw them in the microwave for 15 seconds before you eat them and prepare for hot peanut butter magma spilling out of a rich chocolately cupcake volcano. HOT.

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And my last and final piece of advice on staying warm in the winter is visiting warm places. Yup. I’ll be migrating south for a weekend in February back to Miami to escape this wretched winter!!!!!11 It’s the only real way to stay warm in sub-freezing temps. Miami, here I come! (Though I should probably lay off the baked goods [above] if I’m going to be wearing a bikini again fairly soon…)

University_of_Miami_Otto_G._Richter_Librar

So in conclusion…………………….

……………………….winter sucks.

Stay warm, everybody!

P.S. THIS:

cutest dog ever

Day 242 – Defensive Driving vs. Relationships

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Every three years, my dad’s company organizes a Defensive Driving program through the NYSDMV and my family and most of my neighborhood always partakes in the classes. It’s convenient because my cousin teaches the class, it’s held right in my town in Queens, and in just 6 short hours, it helps reduce your insurance or knock points off your license. And it’s not like the classes are hard. It’s pretty much Drivers’ Ed all over again, reviewing the rules of the road, consequences of reckless behavior, and automobile safety tips. I recommend that all my friends take a class because you’re all shitty drivers. 

Anyway, I attended the class last night with my dad, and while the information was definitely helpful and my cousin was an amazing teacher, I found myself doing a lot of doodling, daydreaming, or texting my friends. And as I sat listening to all this talk about “being proactive and not reactive” and “anticipating the irresponsible and destructive decisions of others,” I realized that a lot of these tips are applicable to more than just life behind the wheel, but life in general. And specifically, to the relationships we as young adults find ourselves in. 

Okay, I admit I am by no means an expert on relationships, and probably anyone who knows me can attest that I couldn’t follow my own advice if it dragged me behind it on a leash. But just in case any of you do find wisdom in any help that I give you, read on, as I unleash the creative brilliance that is my next blog post.

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Defensive Driving vs Relationships

  • Defensive Driving: Before pulling out of a parking spot and onto the road for the first time, be sure to look all around you and be aware of your surroundings.
  • Relationships: Before getting involved in a relationship for the first time, be sure to examine the way this other person acts and be aware of your surroundings.

Are you going to be entering into a healthy relationship? Is this someone who has a lot of friends, someone who is well liked? Do your research! You wouldn’t pull out of your driveway without checking all your mirrors, or start driving a car that you weren’t sure worked properly. Be sure that the moves you’re making are smart ones, and don’t be afraid to do a little investigating first. Future you will thank present you. Who I guess by that point would be past you. But whatever.

  • Defensive Driving: It’s important not to exceed the speed limit; yet, be sure to always maintain a speed above the posted minimum.
  • Relationships: It’s important not to move too fast in a relationship; yet, be sure to keep things moving and not to drag your feet too much.

I’m sure most of us have been in situations where someone took things too seriously too fast (OMG, baby, can you believe it’s already our second week-iversary?) or where someone just moved too slowly. While you don’t want to rush into anything, doing the shy pull-away when he tries to kiss you after like, the 7th date, isn’t really going to progress things at all. Just feel it out, go with the flow.

  • Defensive Driving: Regular maintenance checks will prevent major mishaps on the road.
  • Relationships: Regular conversations will prevent major arguments down the road.

Okay, from what I see in every single one of the relationships around me is that no one ever has conversations about ANYTHING until they’ve been pissed about it for weeks. THAT WOULD BE LIKE if you were getting really low on gas, ignored it for days on end, and then all of a sudden you ran out and your car just died right there on the street (Which actually happened to me last year and I felt like such an idiot…thanks Andy for picking me up). I understand people don’t want to be confrontational. But bringing up minor issues while they’re still, well, minor issues probably isn’t such a bad idea. Especially when the alternative is to say nothing, let it go, and then have some kind of major breakdown that even AAA can’t fix.

  • Defensive Driving: Anticipate the behaviors and mistakes of others.
  • Relationships: Anticipate the reactions and possible mistakes of others.

It’s pretty easy to anticipate the actions of others and to learn how to take preventative measures to ensure that they won’t become serious issues. This is why it’s important to (see above cough cough) examine your surroundings before committing. So they have a bit of a temper when they drink. Or they’re very into their football team and commit every Sunday to the couch, the NY Jets, and beer. Or they’re a big momma’s boy and to them, nothing is better than her chicken parm. Be proactive. If he gets a little testy one night at the bar, either let it slide or back off, and avoid a fight. If you know that Sunday is football day, don’t suggest a “couple’s day with cuddling and movies!” since you already know it’s not going to happen. And don’t, I mean don’t try to out-cook his mom. There isn’t a worse way to impress her than by stealing her baby boy AND her recipe.

  • Defensive Driving: Cell phones and other passengers are major distractions while driving.
  • Relationships: Cell phones (not really but go with it) and other people can be major distractions while in a relationship.

This one’s a stretch but just read on. While it’s important to always listen to what your friends and family have to say about your relationship, letting them take the wheel and steer you entirely in a different direction is not how to ensure a smooth ride. Focus on the road in front of you, and don’t let others’ input distract you too much, especially if you never asked for it. If you need directions, or advice, your friends along for the ride can and should help you. But no one likes a backseat driver. You do you. (And your significant other, I guess. 😉 )

  • Defensive Driving: Even if you think you can get behind the wheel after a few drinks, you can’t.
  • Relationships: Even if you think it’s a good idea to have a serious talk after a few drinks, it’s not.

This is other thing I see all the time when I look at couples around me. Alcohol hits the lips, and it’s like they’ve completely lost control. Their judgement is completely altered, they’re not making sense, they can’t see far enough ahead of them to make smart decisions, and they’re in danger of being part of a serious catastrophe, hurting themselves and everyone around them. While alcohol can be fun and allow for some silly stories, it can also be disastrous for a couple. You wouldn’t want to end up with a BWI (break-up while intoxicated).

  • Defensive Driving: On a long drive, have someone with you who can take over the wheel if you get too tired.
  • Relationships: In a long relationship, have someone who will be there for you and support you when you’re down.

Relationships are a two way street, and if one person is taking the brunt of the drive, providing all the support, all the time, they’re going to get tired. Tired of being the only one who decides which way you’ll turn, when to speed things up, when to slow down, and when to hit the breaks and cruise for a while. Make sure you share in decision making and switch off once and a while or that one single driver is going to be the one who gets to decide when the trip is over.

  • Defensive Driving: If your car isn’t working after you’ve tried to get it fixed multiple times, you may want to move on to a newer and more attractive model.
  • Relationships: Self-explanatory.

So I might’ve stretched the last one a bit, but it’s true. And this is the one piece of advice that I’m qualified to give from experience. If it’s not working, just leave it behind you. You can try to fix things as many times as you like, but after a while, you’re just going to need to get rid of that old piece of junk and upgrade to the model that’s going to take you further – getting you there faster, and in style.

So that’s my lesson for the day, everybody!

Safe travels 🙂

Day 238 – “We Are Never, Ever, Ever Gonna Live Together”

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Having my brother home from college has honestly been a ton of fun. I was lucky enough to be blessed with a brother who is truly one of my best friends in the world. Caring and protective even though he’s younger than me, he’s as much of a big brother as I could’ve wanted; Also stinky and annoying, though, because he still is my baby bro. And as much as I’ve enjoyed his company, his hysterical sense of humor, and having someone around to make fun of my mom with, it’s made me realize how much it’s going to SUCK when I have to live with a boy. I have a hard enough time keeping my personal space habitable when it’s just me…imagine how hard it’ll be when all of a sudden that same amount of personal space is shared by two people. 

I was inspired last night to write a little song parody about how tough living with a dude is gonna be, after Kyle and his friends were blasting college football, playing video games, and eating Taco Bell. Essentially, boys being boys. But all I wanted was to watch “Remember Me” in bed and drink tea and the roars of college football fans in the background were kinda killin’ the vibe. So here it is. Sing to the tune of “We are Never, Ever, Ever Getting Back Together” by Taylor Swift. Enjoy:

I remember when you left the seat up the first time
Sayin’ this is it, I’ve had enough, cause like
I’ve fallen in the toilet twice this month
When you failed to put it down…what?
Then I went to wash up in the sink
See some, hairs in there from when you shaved, I think
And you’re, complaining that the bathroom’s painted pink
I say, “It’s pretty!” You frown and, you tell me, “Too girly.” 

Ooooh, made me watch sports again last night,
So oooooh, this time, I’m thinkin’ that, I’m thinkin that
We are never, ever, ever gonna live together
We-EEE are never, ever, ever gonna live together.
When your friends come over they raid
The fridge – eat my food, so,
We are never ever ever gonna live together.

I’m really gonna need personal space.
I don’t, appreciate you farting in my face.
Wanna, sleep in sweatpants, not in sexy lace.
And I’ll have to share my bed, my quiet comfy place.

Ooooh, you smelled like beer again last night
So oooooh, this time, I’m thinkin’ that, I’m thinkin that –
We are never, ever, ever gonna live together
We-EEE are never, ever, ever gonna live together.
Try to watch SportsCenter when
The Bachelor’s clearly on, so
We are never ever ever gonna live together.

I used to think that maybe someday someday
I could live with boys, but now I think no wayyyy.
So he calls me up and he’s like “I won’t leave the seat up anymore!”
And I’m like, I’m just, I mean this is disgusting you know, like
We are never gonna live together. Like ever.

We are never, ever, ever gonna live together
We-EEE are never, ever, ever gonna live together.
You will learn the prime time
To watch Lifetime’s all the time
Or weeee are never ever ever gonna live together

We are never, ever, ever gonna live together
We-EEE are never, ever, ever gonna live together.
Dirty socks and loud snoring
And more gas than my car, 
Yeah, we are never ever ever gonna live together.

…Unless he’s one of these studs, of course.

So until the fateful day arrives that I move in with a boyfriend, fiancee, husband, whatever, I’m going to bask in bubble baths, drinking wine, chocolate truffles (that I don’t have to share), crying during chick flicks, walking around in my underwear, and all those other girly things. 😉 

Day 234 – What Not To Do In 2013

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I know I resolved not to really make any resolutions for the New Year. But still, when given a fresh start, it’s hard not to consider making some changes. I’ve been thinking about things that I’ve done in the past that maybe it’s time to stop doing.

So rather than me listing you things I will resolve to do, here’s my “What Not To Do in 2013” list:

10. Putting the lid of my Starbucks drink on the counter without putting a napkin down first. Advice brought to you by Jess Pester who watched me do this without realizing how many germs I was allowing into my delicious latte and informed me of my error. Gross. Kill me.

9. Confusing late night boredom for hunger. Just because the Law and Order SVU marathon has finally ended, doesn’t mean I need to make a  grilled cheese sandwich at 11:30 pm. Though for some reason they seem to taste better late at night than at any other time of the day.

8. Texting and Driving. Even though I can literally text with my eyes closed  I do it so often, it’s better to be safe than sorry. But seriously, everyone should get on board with this one.

7. Going to the same restaurant/bar all the time. There is more to life than Blockheads on 33rd and 3rd. Like Caliente Cab down the block.

6. Texting ex-boyfriends. That’s NOT gonna fly in 2013. Responding is okay if they text first though. Baby steps.

5. Going commando. Really not entirely appropriate for anywhere except laying on the couch in sweatpants watching Law and Order marathons and bored-eating (see #9). In which case, this is null and void.

4. Drinking like I’m still in college. Seriously. It’s taking a toll on my body and I end up doing stupid stuff (see #6) and the hangovers are 10x worse and I JUST CAN’T DO IT ANYMORE OKAY?!??!?

3. Going to bed SUPER SUPER LATE for no reason. It makes me feel like crap the next day, and I end up having to by two coffees instead of one morning coffee, and if I’m tired enough, I’ll even put the lid down without a napkin (see #10).

2. Buying clothes a size smaller so that “When I lose 5 more pounds, I’ll fit into them!” I’m just setting myself up for failure.

1. Stealing my mom’s wine after she goes to sleep. …JK that’s totally still gonna happen but it’ll be cute to watch me try for a few weeks.

New Years Res

~Happy 2013!~