Day 293 -The Post-Grad Spring Break(down)

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Monday is a harsh reality every week. It’s even harsher after coming off a weekend doing some casual “spring breaking” in Miami. But I’m getting through it. Hour by hour, minute by minute, Tylenol by Tylenol. Last night I went to sleep earlier than I have in weeks. You did me good, Miami, you did me real good.

One year ago, I was planning the trip of a lifetime to Las Vegas with some of the coolest people you will ever meet; so good that ever since, we’ve only referred to ourselves as the “Vegas Crew.” We spent seven days in Sin City; took the reins and galloped down Las Vegas Boulevard at full speed, leaving nothing behind us except money we gambled away and empty bottles of Champagne. And here I am, after a mere four days in Miami, ready to put my head down and take a little nap on my keyboard.

My Post-Grad Spring Break-Down, I’m calling it. And my friends, as with any trip or event, there is going to be the good, the bad, and the ugly that comes along with it. Here’s a little bit of info on what to look out for on your PGSBD this spring, and how you can survive it better than I did.

The Good

The best thing about the Post Grad Spring Break is reuniting with your college crew, and I had it the best, because so many of my best friends are now living down in Miami. This means no expensive hotel rooms, lots of bonding, and a solid crew to roll out with every night. Plus, you don’t have to worry about “finding hot spots” to hit while you’re there, because all your friends are most likely still in-the-know about which spots to go on which nights. You’ll rage like you used to, Instagram pics from inside your favorite clubs (guilty as charged), and be able to enjoy everyone’s company again.

It’s a lot of laughs, a lot of hugs, a lot of pictures throwing up your old sorority salute, and overall my favorite thing about the PGSB.

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What else is good? I mean…you’re on vacation. Duh. Which means you can really enjoy yourself and breathe a little. You don’t have to answer e-mails, set an alarm, or limit yourself to just a drink or two at happy hour because you “have to be up early tomorrow morning.” You can let loose. Things that aren’t really appropriate in post-grad everyday life, like drinks served in fishbowls or miniskirts and heels are not only accepted but encouraged for post-grad spring breakers. Trade in your cubicle for a crop-top and put on your party pants (aka shorts) and get ready to enjoy all the good!

The Bad

…And get ready to potentially have to deal with the bad. Some common crises you may encounter:

  • Epic brain-freeze from your frozen drinks #vacationproblems
  • The inability to drink even half of what you used to in college
  • Being as pale as the walls in your office (ew)
  • “I miss you guys so much, I’m buying everyone a drink!!”
  • Opening a tab…never a good idea.
  • Not being able to nap between daytime activities and going out at night
  • Not fitting into your shorts the way you did last May
  • Feeling OLD

The Ugly

The worst of the worst usually comes after your trip is over. The hangover from the weekend, which may or may not include an actual hangover.
The ugly is the sound of your alarm on Monday morning at 6:30.
The ugly is checking your bank statement when you get into work.
The ugly is noticing your face is peeling from sunburn.
The ugly is seeing pictures of yourself on Facebook that should never have been allowed to surface.
The ugly is realizing you took a physical beating thanks to your escapades – I’m talking bruises, burns, and chipped toenail polish. The works.
The ugly is realizing you miss college and not having any responsibilities.
The ugly is knowing that you are 100% going to get sick this week because you took 0% care of yourself all weekend.
The ugly is the Breakdown after the Spring Break. The Post-Grad Spring Breakdown.

ImageMe at my desk today.

But is it worth it? Yes. It’s worth every second, every penny, every de-tagged picture and every groan of exhaustion. Getting that little taste of college again, that chance to be just a little irresponsible (or maybe very irresponsible, in some cases) is worth the week-long hangover you’ll probably endure.

So book your flights and enjoy yourself. There’s only a few years left for this kind of behavior to be even remotely appropriate, so better we get it out of our systems now, right? Happy Spring Break Month to all the college students who still have that luxury, have a good enough time for all of us post-grads. We’ll be stalking your pictures on Facebook from our cubicles as we have our Spring Breakdowns.

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Day 286 – A Guide to Kinda-Sorta Creepy Ways to Meet New People

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“No one is looking for a relationship in college. Everyone just wants to have fun.” Said everyone who couldn’t find a boyfriend while they were in school.

What I’m trying to say is that was a phrase that may have come out of my mouth quite a bit during my four years in Miami…mostly because it was true. Right? IT’S TRUE RIGHT?? IT WASN’T JUST ME?!??

Anyway, here we are, 286 days since graduation, and now I’ve been telling a lot of my friends who are still in school, “No one is really looking for a relationship right out of college. Everyone is adjusting to post-grad life and just wants to have fun.” So where do you find the ones who do want a relationship?

Young adults are flocking to the web, their phones, and more to check out not only who’s single, but who’s looking to meet up for a drink, a few dates, or a relationship. It’s not really surprising, since our generation has become completely reliant on the Internet and our smart phones for everything from food delivery to catching up on our TV shows. That and we’re all totally lazy. Let’s explore the options for the tech-friendly-romantic who just seems to be looking for love in all the wrong places.

Kinda Sorta Creepy Ways to Meet People via Technology

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I’m just kinda T.O’ed because she hasn’t sent me a full body shot yet.

Grouper

I’m listing Grouper first because I think it is so funny and so cute and such a good idea because it requires that you actually have friends to do it. Essentially, you sign up with two friends, or “wingmen” as they list it on the site, and you get matched with another group of three. For $20 each, your drinks for the night are taken care of, and you’re on this pre-arranged super fun group date. I’ve had two friends go on it already, and both said it was actually a really enjoyable time.

Also, this:

Brilliant.

Grade: A

OK Cupid

I’m going to go ahead and share with you that I created an OKCupid account a little while back, just to see what it was all about. There were definitely some good and some bad aspects to it.

Here’s the good. A lot of the guys who make profiles understand that being funny and personable is key to getting people to trust that you are normal. Even better is some of them realize that the whole concept of OKCupid, well, online dating in general, is still fairly new, so if they do message you, they’ll need to tread lightly, and feel it out. A cheese pick-up line is okay, if it’s very obvious it’s a joke. Even better is if they can reference something you like based on your profile without just being like, “Oh, you like Ryan Gosling movies? Me too. He is good.” The bad? More people on the site do not realize these things. And send creepy. ass. messages. “Mmmm gurl lovin ur pics, wanna meet up?” Um…no. Like not even a little bit.

I did go on a date with someone I met – no, it didn’t go anywhere – but he was 100% normal, a cool guy, and paid for my margaritas. Just not my type. So while it can definitely work for some people, there’s just too much room for creeps.

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Not really an OK cupid if you ask me.

Grade: C+

Tinder

Tinder is like a combination of Facemash, the original site created by Mark Zuckerburg, and that show “Next!” on MTV.  Tinder is for the laziest of the lazy, where you can just browse through pictures of anyone nearby who has the app and click ‘thumbs up’ or ‘thumbs down’ based on limited info. If two people “yes” each other, they have the option to chat via the app. It’s like shallow speed-dating! But it’s really, really entertaining. Seriously. Great for when you have some off-time at work or when you’re bored on long, drunk train rides home, Tinder allows those serious about meeting people to, well, talk seriously, and the rest of us to ask weird questions and use silly pick-up lines for fun. Something just tells me it’ll never be acceptable to say you met your boyfriend through an iPhone app, though, sorry boys.

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*Note – Because you can upload a max of 5 pictures, be aware these may not exactly represent what said Tinder match looks like. He is eliminating bad pics. A friend met up with a Tinder match at a club and he was not what he seemed. He was dubbed a “TinderFish” – Catfish, via Tinder. (Credit: Kim Z. and the JB crew for the awesome nickname.)

Grade: B+, solely for entertainment purposes

Craigslist

Okay okay hold on. I’m not suggesting anyone go browsing the personals section of Craigslist for a hot date. Just need to share one creative way two guys used Craigslist to find dates for their cousin’s wedding. The post called for two sisters or friends who were attractive and fun to join them for the Saratoga wedding, and included lots of funny pictures and silly facts about the two striking young gentlemen. Sound ridiculous? Far from. They’ve gotten 2,000 replies. Check it out.

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Wish I had thought of this for DG Semiformal.

And here’s the response:

http://digitallife.today.com/_news/2013/02/25/17087760-2-bad-boy-brothers-turn-to-craigslist-for-wedding-dates?chromedomain=todaynews

Wanna know who the girl who submitted the Journey song was? I’ll give you one guess 😉

Grade: A for those guys, D for everyone else because Craigslist can be sketchy

So dont worry, all you hopeless romantics, there is love for you out there. And if you can’t find it walking down the street, or at a bar, or through a friend, there are plenty of other ways for you to connect with someone. All you need is a charged batter, a WiFi signal, some pretty pictures, and a lot of trust in humanity. Best of luck, my friends!

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Day 280 – Why I’m Probably Not Going to my High School Reunion

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I received something in the mail a few weeks ago that really brought me back.

Back to a time of few to no responsibilities. A time when your “job” meant working four hour shifts in the mall or at the grocery store. A time when your parents chauffeured you to and from parties. A time when you were convinced your boyfriend of four-months was the man you were going to marry. A time when people were generally shittier versions of their current selves.

High School.

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Ugh, ugly thumb syndrome.

I received the invitation to my 5-year high school reunion and after some thought I think I’ve decided not to go. Why? Because there are just some people that I’m okay with never seeing again. And if life decides to have us cross paths? Okay. But it doesn’t mean I need to subject myself to that happening inside my high school cafeteria.

But for those of you who do plan on going, here’s my prediction on who you’ll be interacting with.

The Five People You’ll See at Your High School Reunion

5. The Principal/Dean/Guidance Counselor

In high school, I used to wear sunglasses on my head as an accessory almost every day (Foreshadowing that I’d be in college in Miami?), and it drove my principal crazy. I’d walk from my locker towards my homeroom and there she’d wait, in the same spot, and swipe them off my head as I walked by. “You’re inside now, Ms. Chuber,” she’d remind me. And I’d nod, wait till she was out of sight, and then push them back onto my head.

Whatever your relationship was with members of authority in high school, chances are you were way more of a douchebag then than you are now. And so you’ll probably have to deal with Past You’s annoying attitude when you interact with these individuals. Maybe you spent a lot of time in detention. Or in the Dean’s office. Or being dramatic to your guidance counselor. Whatever it was, the faculty will definitely remember you because of some particular detail. And they’re going to bring it up, at some point or another. I can hear Sister Kathleen now… “Where are your sunglasses, Kristen? Did you leave them down in Miami? Do you still wear them, whatever the weather?” Yes. Yes I do.

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4. The High School BFF

This is someone that normally, you’d love to catch up with! The girl/guy you were super close to for four years. They’re the person you went out with on the weekends, spent your free periods with planning your Sweet 16, and gossiped with about boys in adjacent bathroom stalls. Yet you two may have drifted, such is life, and years may have passed since you two have spoken. While I personally would enjoy catching up with my high school best friends, within the confines of a high school reunion, it may feel unnatural.

A few things may happen. First, you may experience what any fellow How I Met Your Mother fans will understand as “Revertigo,” where in order to make interaction normal, you revert back to the high school version of yourself. So if you two were notoriously boy crazy, the first thing you would probably ask would be, “So, what’s your guy situation right now??” You’d take MySpace style pictures and maybe even upload them to Facebook. #besties #reunited. Or maybe something came between the two of you in order to end the BFFriendship, and that event/person will be the elephant in the room for the extent of your conversation. Or maybe you’ll assume you can just pick up where you left off and maybe it’ll be much harder than you thought because one of you went through a drastic life change like giving up drinking or going brunette. There’s definitely potential for awkwardness there. So just beware.

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3. The Person Who Not-S0-Secretly Hates You

Whether or not it’s out in the open, there’s that person that you know just isn’t a fan of yours. Maybe it’s because you made fun of them in gym class for being a total weirdo or because you dated her boyfriend after they broke up “even though she said it was okay.” But by no means are you friends, and they’re definitely not trying to be.   You might try to avoid them, or maybe you’ll do the opposite, and try to be overly sweet to make up for your less than happy memories with this person. Regardless, you should probably keep an eye out, in case you’re on their hitlist.

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2. Your High School Worst Enemy

Everyone had a worst enemy in high school. The person that you absolutely could not stand. So much so, that on graduation day, you thanked your lucky stars you’d be rid of her for good. And you’ve managed to avoid her for five years. But here you are, going to your high school reunion, knowing she will be there. It’s not that you care about the drama anymore; after all, it was five years ago. But there is ZERO part of you that wants to see this person. Ever again.

And that’s okay. While most of the problems that existed between high schoolers was based on immaturity and probably just boredom, you don’t need to reach out to every person you disliked in the past and attempt to rekindle a friendship. As long as you can both be civil if and when you run into each other somewhere, that is enough. No need to force a friendship just to prove you’re not the grotsky little beotch you were in 10th grade.

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1. A Horrible Version of Yourself That You Want To Forget Forever

“I was probably the best version of myself in high school,” said no one ever. We all thought we were the coolest thing since ice pops, and let’s face it – we weren’t. I would truly love to shake High School Kristen by her shoulders, letting her giant hoop earrings swing back and forth smacking her in the face, and tell her that she’s a giant tool and to STOP. I want to say, “No, Kristen, you should NOT have a Xanga! Your future college friends are going to find it and never let you live it down!” Being back in my high school, looking at old pictures, and talking about 15 year old me is only going to remind me of how lame and obnoxious everyone was in high school. And by everyone I mean primarily myself.

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So I don’t think I’ll be attending my high school reunion this time around.

I’d rather catch up like normal people. And grab a coffee with someone I recently reconnected with on Facebook. Or get a big group together and go to a bar. And chat about the latest episode of the Bachelor or how hot that guy I dumped in 12th grade got and whether or not the 10th grade English teacher ever hooked up with a student or, my favorite, how awkward our past selves were. And I don’t think I need to pay $50 and feel awkward for 3 hours in order to reunite with people from my past.

Plus, thanks to social media, it’s really easy to reach out and get back in touch with people. If and when I want to reconnect with some friends from the “old days,” its nice to know that everyone is just a Facebook message, a Tweet, a text, or an e-mail away. With the technology available to us, reunions aren’t really necessary anymore. In fact, we probably already know a lot about what everyone has been up to thanks to that technology. I’ve seen your new apartment on Instagram, saw your Tweet about working for Goldman Sachs, and noticed you updated your Facebook to include NYU Medical School under your Education. 

Regardless, I hope everyone has fun. And I’ll strongly consider attention The Mary Louis Academy’s 10-year reunion in 2018 🙂

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The girls who made high school a little less crappy. June 1, 2008.

Day 275 – Your Single Best Valentine’s Day Ever

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Happy Valentines Day Everyone!

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…But is it really happy?

For the past few days, all I’ve been seeing all over social media is single girls complaining about their lack of Valentines. I get it. It’s nice to have someone to buy you presents and take you out to dinner and shower you with love and kisses and chocolates and things that you can take pictures of and upload to Facebook to make everyone else jealous of you. But hey. I wish I had that every day, not just Valentine’s Day. So what’s the big deal about today? WHY do single girls make such a big deal about this stupid, lonely, cold, February day???

I was one of you not too long ago. But not anymore, ladies. Let this be the year you have a great Valentine’s Day because you’re single. Not even though you’re single. Here are some ways to make your Valentine’s Day the Single Best Valentine’s Day Ever.

5. List the People You Really Love

Remind yourself of all those you care about on this special day that my hibachi chef the other night refers to as “Love Day.” Here’s my list:

The guy in the deli who knows my coffee order when I walk in. He just warms my heart (and the rest of me….cause coffee is hot….get it…)
The sexy LIRR conductor who wished me a Happy Valentine’s Day today and winked at me.
My dad (unless I don’t come home to flowers today then he’s scratched from da list…sorry Daddy)
Ryan Gosling (“If I met Ryan Gosling in a bar….I’d make out with him”)
My dog. Actually all dogs. Woof.
The bartender who will give me a free drink tonight (Don’t know who you are yet but I know we’ll be meeting soon)
Jon Snow

Aww, Guys, Jon got me a puppy for Valentine's Day!

Aww, Guys, Jon got me a puppy for Valentine’s Day!

4. Make Fun of Your Exes

I want to write a petition to rename Valentine’s Day “Make Fun of Your Exes” day. You know there is a ex-boyfriend or ex-something in your life that has gained weight, is dating a not-so-cute girl, lost his job, got a bad haircut…etc. Make fun of him today. Celebrate being better off without him. Wouldn’t you rather be single than still dating him??? If he liked it, then he should’ve put a ring on it.

Let it out. Enjoy yourself. You deserve it.

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3. Enjoy the Lazy Night You’ve Been Dying to Have

I don’t know about you, but a lot of the time, people will ask me to hang out and I feel obliged to go, even though what I really want to do is lay in bed, drink wine, eat microwavable food, turn my phone off, and just have a night to myself. If you have no other plans and promise not to watch romance flicks, have a lazy night in tonight. Order chinese and watch an intense action flick with your dog. Skip the gym, wear sweatpants and no makeup, and don’t worry about impressing anyone (except your mom who never thought you’d be able to finish the entire order of lo mein by yourself).

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2. Snag Single Dudes

Believe me when I say this is the best night to go out with all your girlfriends. Why? Because every guy you meet will be single. If he’s not, he’ll be out with his girlfriend. This is your chance to find your date for Valentine’s Day 2014. So get all dressed up, do some single-mingling tonight, have an awesome night, and make all your friends who are having boring nights with their boyfriends’ jealous.

*Warning* – Some guys may be out because they’re looking for “desperate, single girls alone on Valentine’s Day.” Be one step ahead of the game. Work them for all their wallets are worth and dip out while you’re ahead. #winning

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And most importantly…

1. Love Yourself

If this day is all about love, why not love the most important person in your life? Yourself! Be as selfish as possible. Buy yourself lingerie. Splurge on a manicure or that new lipstick you’ve been eyeing. Take a bubble bath. Drink your favorite wine. Hell, drink a margarita if that’s what you prefer. YOU DO YOU, BABY GIRL.

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Enjoy Valentine’s Day if you have a date tonight. Enjoy it more if you don’t. This day of love doesn’t mean you need to be in a committed relationship. Celebrate whatever it is that you love most. Whether that’s food, friends, wine, relaxation, partying, being single, or your boyfriend.

And just remember, no matter how bad today may seem, it could be worse. You could be Taylor Swift.

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Also, this. Because I just had to.

Day 267 – ‘Effing February

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So as everyone knows this past weekend was Super Bowl VWXYZ (too many Roman numerals) and while I personally didn’t care who won, I know that people everywhere were SUPER HYPED to watch the Ravens take on the 49ers. I didn’t watch much of it (mostly just the commercials and the halftime show) but according to my dad, Ray Lewis, Joe Flacco and the Ravens put on a pretty amazing performance before they took home the Vince Lombardi trophy to Baltimore. While it must feel good to be a Raven right now, my heart goes out to the San Fran fans.

It’s gotta be rough watching your team lose when you’re that close to winning it all. That feeling of loss; your high expectations coming crashing down before your very eyes; true heartbreak. I imagine there’s only one other group of people that feel the same type of disappointment as fans of the team who lost the Super Bowl.

Singles on Valentine’s Day.

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Don’t worry Vernon, you still have time to find a Valentine.

But seriously. There are a lot of ways that these two groups of people are alike. Let’s consider some things that will probably be said, thought, or done by either a fan of the losing Super Bowl team or a single girl on Valentine’s day.

I need a drink.”

Whether it’s pounding beer post game or wine to the face all night, most people turn to alcohol to fill the emptiness after an Super Bowl loss/V-day alone. Which is good because there’s usually a lot of beer to go around at SB parties and plenty of wine in single girls’ apartments.

Overeating.

  • “Goddammit, Pete finished all the nachos!!” “Leave him alone…he’s drunk and depressed that the Niners’ lost. Poor kid.”
  • “Kris, have you seen the rest of those Valentine’s chocolates? I could’ve sworn I bought a whole bag…” “…you did, okay?!!”

“Ugh, look how happy they are…..I ‘effing hate them.”

  • Niners’ Fan: In reference to Ravens fans at the parade in Baltimore celebrating
  • Single Girl: In reference to anyone in a relationship or smiling on Valentine’s Day

Avoiding Facebook/Twitter/Instagram like the plague.

Also known as “The Ostrich Method.” (Sticking your head under the ground. Everyone can see you, but you don’t care. You just don’t want to see or hear anything going on around you. Ignorance is bliss, my friends.) No one wants to see all the pictures of bouquets of flowers or Vernon Davis crying all over their newsfeed. It’s just easier to pretend that none of it is happening. Lalalalalalalalala moving on.

“There’s always next year I guess.”

The ever-hopeful mentality that although you may be a loser/alone this year, next year you’ll have a trophy/boyfriend.

Crying.

Because sad.

“Whatever, at least I’m not…

  • Niners’ Fan: …a Jets fan.”
  • Single Girl: …desperate enough to apply to be on The Bachelor.”

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So for those of you who had to suffer through one of these painful holidays in Effing February…I have the solution.

BEYONCE.

Guys: Beyonce performed better than anyone else on that field…let’s be serious. So how about we consider both teams losers and just say Beyonce won? (Cause like she did.)

Ladies: NEED I REMIND YOU OF THIS??? So put that wine bottle down.

 

You’re welcome. Queen B has done it again. We can all have a Happy February after all.

Day 260 – Unreal-ity TV

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More than once, my college roommates and I had discussions on what it would be like if all 7 of us were contestants on ABC’s The Bachelor at the same time. And to be honest with you, there is really only one word I can use to describe what it would be like.

Chaos.

Pure, unadulterated (and probably violent) chaos. Because that’s what it was when we all wanted to shower at the same time. Share a boyfriend? With a handful of other bikini-clad girls? No no no, that’s not something you’d want to unfold.

Mod Fight

Actual Photo. Taken November 2009.
Reason for Fight: Only One Mozzarella Stick Left.

So while it would be for our own safety not to cast us on the show, it would be great television. And up against any other crazies who weren’t already my roommates/best friends turned arch rivals when Sean Lowe walks in the room, we’d probably all have a pretty decent shot at winning The Bachelor.

As crazy as we’d sometimes get in my house, up against the psychotic bimbos that sign up to be on this show, I think we’d prove to be normal sober level-headed realistic less psychotic. Plus, it would be SO MUCH FUN.

But let’s clarify here. I know they call this reality TV, but there is nothing real about it. First and foremost, any drop-dead gorgeous, tan, chiseled, romantic, family oriented man who is ready to settle down and find a wife and start a family PROBABLY DOESN’T HAVE A PROBLEM FINDING LOVE. And if any are still out there, struggling so much that they’re considering going on national TV to find “the one,” please give him my number. Secondly, the dates. Are. Incredible. Not that I’m knocking any dates I’ve been on, but they don’t exactly compare to having an amusement park all to ourselves for the day (dream date!) or being treated to a shopping spree including a stop at Neil Lane.

In fact, compared to a lot of the other shows on television, things like The Bachelor are as far from “reality” as you can get. These girls literally leave their jobs and families (sometimes including their children that they gush about) to spend weeks at a Mansion in LA with a 24-hour margarita machine, 25 other crazy bitches, and a hot dude. Chyeah. That’s not real.

But…

Would anything really hold me back from going on the show if I had the chance? Probably not.  Have I filled out an application to be the Bachelorette? Maybe. Would I be okay spending the rest of my life with Sean Lowe? Yes.

Sean Lowe

Yes, Sean, I will accept this rose!
….No seriously, give it to me. NOW.

I’ll tell you this much. 365 Days in the Life of a Bachelor Contestant would probably be a much more entertaining blog than this one. So maybe you all should help me become the next Bachelorette. Just sayin’.

Day 254 – Cold Weather Survival Guide

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So this is what my walk from Penn Station to my office building looked like this morning:

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It was real rough. High of 20 degrees for the day, wind chill at 0 degrees… It’s no wonder I booked a flight back to Miami yesterday afternoon. This is some beyond-the-wall nonsense and I never agreed to any of it. So unless I’m cuddling with Jon Snow in a snug little castle I really shouldn’t have to deal with this.

Born and raised in Queens, I should probably be more equipped to deal with these wintery temperatures but four years in South Florida has thinned my blood. I mean, by senior year, I was pulling on Ugg boots when the temps hit the high 50s, even low 60s. Spoiled. Spoiled rotten. And now here I am completely unprepared for life in the tundra that is New York City.

To my friends from the northeast still enjoying the South Florida weather, I’m making this post your Cold Weather Survival Guide so that you may be more prepared than I was for these frigid January temps. The following are some things that are essential to own or do during your first winter home in NYC/anywhere else in the northeast:

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The biggest, warmest, fuzziest slippers possible. I think the worst feeling for me thus far has been having to tip-toe across the FREEZING COLD tile floor of my bathroom to get in the shower on these frosty winter mornings. Keep your tootsies toasty in some slippas.

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The blanket cocoon is an absolute necessity when trying to go to sleep at night (especially for those of you with bedrooms in the basement…aka…me). To Properly Cocoon: Lay in pencil pose at one end of the blanket holding the edge against you and roll across the bed until you are entirely cocooned. Then, when you’re wrapped like a taquito, lift your legs an tuck the end under so that the bottom flap won’t let any frigid air in. Voila. Blanket cocoon. See below for demonstration.

Blanket Cocoon

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Chapstick. Seriously. Don’t go ANYWHERE without it or your lips will actually fall off of your face and no one will ever kiss you EVER AGAIN.

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Snuggies. Underrated because it actually is convenient for a blanket to have sleeves (unless of course you’re trying to blanket cocoon [see above] in which case a Snuggie is not ideal). But seriously. You’re under a blanket, nice and warm, and don’t even need to take your arm out from under it as you reach for your….

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…steamy hot beverage. I have never drank more hot tea than I have the past few weeks. I think my BTC (blood tea content) is definitely through the roof, but I’m okay with it because there’s nothing I want to be more than hot blooded in these cold winter months.

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One of these. Which apparently are called Spirithoods even though I’ve always referred to them as “Fuzzy Animal Hats With Paws Attached” which I still think is a much better name for them, but whatever. I’m a fan and they’re super cozy. Plus, you can take really cute SnapChats in them to send to people captioned “Rawr! *kitty emoji*” and it makes everyone all warm inside, and remember, warm = good.

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Bake things. Baked goodies make everyone feel a little warmer, whether it’s the actual extra layer they’re adding onto your hips or just the enjoyment of some sweet, melty goodness on a cold winter night. Like the Brownie Cupcakes with a Reese’s Center that I made last week. Cook brownie batter in cupcake tins, but put a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup in the middle while you’re pouring in the batter and bake for 20 mins. on 375 degrees. Throw them in the microwave for 15 seconds before you eat them and prepare for hot peanut butter magma spilling out of a rich chocolately cupcake volcano. HOT.

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And my last and final piece of advice on staying warm in the winter is visiting warm places. Yup. I’ll be migrating south for a weekend in February back to Miami to escape this wretched winter!!!!!11 It’s the only real way to stay warm in sub-freezing temps. Miami, here I come! (Though I should probably lay off the baked goods [above] if I’m going to be wearing a bikini again fairly soon…)

University_of_Miami_Otto_G._Richter_Librar

So in conclusion…………………….

……………………….winter sucks.

Stay warm, everybody!

P.S. THIS:

cutest dog ever

Day 242 – Defensive Driving vs. Relationships

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Every three years, my dad’s company organizes a Defensive Driving program through the NYSDMV and my family and most of my neighborhood always partakes in the classes. It’s convenient because my cousin teaches the class, it’s held right in my town in Queens, and in just 6 short hours, it helps reduce your insurance or knock points off your license. And it’s not like the classes are hard. It’s pretty much Drivers’ Ed all over again, reviewing the rules of the road, consequences of reckless behavior, and automobile safety tips. I recommend that all my friends take a class because you’re all shitty drivers. 

Anyway, I attended the class last night with my dad, and while the information was definitely helpful and my cousin was an amazing teacher, I found myself doing a lot of doodling, daydreaming, or texting my friends. And as I sat listening to all this talk about “being proactive and not reactive” and “anticipating the irresponsible and destructive decisions of others,” I realized that a lot of these tips are applicable to more than just life behind the wheel, but life in general. And specifically, to the relationships we as young adults find ourselves in. 

Okay, I admit I am by no means an expert on relationships, and probably anyone who knows me can attest that I couldn’t follow my own advice if it dragged me behind it on a leash. But just in case any of you do find wisdom in any help that I give you, read on, as I unleash the creative brilliance that is my next blog post.

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Defensive Driving vs Relationships

  • Defensive Driving: Before pulling out of a parking spot and onto the road for the first time, be sure to look all around you and be aware of your surroundings.
  • Relationships: Before getting involved in a relationship for the first time, be sure to examine the way this other person acts and be aware of your surroundings.

Are you going to be entering into a healthy relationship? Is this someone who has a lot of friends, someone who is well liked? Do your research! You wouldn’t pull out of your driveway without checking all your mirrors, or start driving a car that you weren’t sure worked properly. Be sure that the moves you’re making are smart ones, and don’t be afraid to do a little investigating first. Future you will thank present you. Who I guess by that point would be past you. But whatever.

  • Defensive Driving: It’s important not to exceed the speed limit; yet, be sure to always maintain a speed above the posted minimum.
  • Relationships: It’s important not to move too fast in a relationship; yet, be sure to keep things moving and not to drag your feet too much.

I’m sure most of us have been in situations where someone took things too seriously too fast (OMG, baby, can you believe it’s already our second week-iversary?) or where someone just moved too slowly. While you don’t want to rush into anything, doing the shy pull-away when he tries to kiss you after like, the 7th date, isn’t really going to progress things at all. Just feel it out, go with the flow.

  • Defensive Driving: Regular maintenance checks will prevent major mishaps on the road.
  • Relationships: Regular conversations will prevent major arguments down the road.

Okay, from what I see in every single one of the relationships around me is that no one ever has conversations about ANYTHING until they’ve been pissed about it for weeks. THAT WOULD BE LIKE if you were getting really low on gas, ignored it for days on end, and then all of a sudden you ran out and your car just died right there on the street (Which actually happened to me last year and I felt like such an idiot…thanks Andy for picking me up). I understand people don’t want to be confrontational. But bringing up minor issues while they’re still, well, minor issues probably isn’t such a bad idea. Especially when the alternative is to say nothing, let it go, and then have some kind of major breakdown that even AAA can’t fix.

  • Defensive Driving: Anticipate the behaviors and mistakes of others.
  • Relationships: Anticipate the reactions and possible mistakes of others.

It’s pretty easy to anticipate the actions of others and to learn how to take preventative measures to ensure that they won’t become serious issues. This is why it’s important to (see above cough cough) examine your surroundings before committing. So they have a bit of a temper when they drink. Or they’re very into their football team and commit every Sunday to the couch, the NY Jets, and beer. Or they’re a big momma’s boy and to them, nothing is better than her chicken parm. Be proactive. If he gets a little testy one night at the bar, either let it slide or back off, and avoid a fight. If you know that Sunday is football day, don’t suggest a “couple’s day with cuddling and movies!” since you already know it’s not going to happen. And don’t, I mean don’t try to out-cook his mom. There isn’t a worse way to impress her than by stealing her baby boy AND her recipe.

  • Defensive Driving: Cell phones and other passengers are major distractions while driving.
  • Relationships: Cell phones (not really but go with it) and other people can be major distractions while in a relationship.

This one’s a stretch but just read on. While it’s important to always listen to what your friends and family have to say about your relationship, letting them take the wheel and steer you entirely in a different direction is not how to ensure a smooth ride. Focus on the road in front of you, and don’t let others’ input distract you too much, especially if you never asked for it. If you need directions, or advice, your friends along for the ride can and should help you. But no one likes a backseat driver. You do you. (And your significant other, I guess. 😉 )

  • Defensive Driving: Even if you think you can get behind the wheel after a few drinks, you can’t.
  • Relationships: Even if you think it’s a good idea to have a serious talk after a few drinks, it’s not.

This is other thing I see all the time when I look at couples around me. Alcohol hits the lips, and it’s like they’ve completely lost control. Their judgement is completely altered, they’re not making sense, they can’t see far enough ahead of them to make smart decisions, and they’re in danger of being part of a serious catastrophe, hurting themselves and everyone around them. While alcohol can be fun and allow for some silly stories, it can also be disastrous for a couple. You wouldn’t want to end up with a BWI (break-up while intoxicated).

  • Defensive Driving: On a long drive, have someone with you who can take over the wheel if you get too tired.
  • Relationships: In a long relationship, have someone who will be there for you and support you when you’re down.

Relationships are a two way street, and if one person is taking the brunt of the drive, providing all the support, all the time, they’re going to get tired. Tired of being the only one who decides which way you’ll turn, when to speed things up, when to slow down, and when to hit the breaks and cruise for a while. Make sure you share in decision making and switch off once and a while or that one single driver is going to be the one who gets to decide when the trip is over.

  • Defensive Driving: If your car isn’t working after you’ve tried to get it fixed multiple times, you may want to move on to a newer and more attractive model.
  • Relationships: Self-explanatory.

So I might’ve stretched the last one a bit, but it’s true. And this is the one piece of advice that I’m qualified to give from experience. If it’s not working, just leave it behind you. You can try to fix things as many times as you like, but after a while, you’re just going to need to get rid of that old piece of junk and upgrade to the model that’s going to take you further – getting you there faster, and in style.

So that’s my lesson for the day, everybody!

Safe travels 🙂

Day 238 – “We Are Never, Ever, Ever Gonna Live Together”

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Having my brother home from college has honestly been a ton of fun. I was lucky enough to be blessed with a brother who is truly one of my best friends in the world. Caring and protective even though he’s younger than me, he’s as much of a big brother as I could’ve wanted; Also stinky and annoying, though, because he still is my baby bro. And as much as I’ve enjoyed his company, his hysterical sense of humor, and having someone around to make fun of my mom with, it’s made me realize how much it’s going to SUCK when I have to live with a boy. I have a hard enough time keeping my personal space habitable when it’s just me…imagine how hard it’ll be when all of a sudden that same amount of personal space is shared by two people. 

I was inspired last night to write a little song parody about how tough living with a dude is gonna be, after Kyle and his friends were blasting college football, playing video games, and eating Taco Bell. Essentially, boys being boys. But all I wanted was to watch “Remember Me” in bed and drink tea and the roars of college football fans in the background were kinda killin’ the vibe. So here it is. Sing to the tune of “We are Never, Ever, Ever Getting Back Together” by Taylor Swift. Enjoy:

I remember when you left the seat up the first time
Sayin’ this is it, I’ve had enough, cause like
I’ve fallen in the toilet twice this month
When you failed to put it down…what?
Then I went to wash up in the sink
See some, hairs in there from when you shaved, I think
And you’re, complaining that the bathroom’s painted pink
I say, “It’s pretty!” You frown and, you tell me, “Too girly.” 

Ooooh, made me watch sports again last night,
So oooooh, this time, I’m thinkin’ that, I’m thinkin that
We are never, ever, ever gonna live together
We-EEE are never, ever, ever gonna live together.
When your friends come over they raid
The fridge – eat my food, so,
We are never ever ever gonna live together.

I’m really gonna need personal space.
I don’t, appreciate you farting in my face.
Wanna, sleep in sweatpants, not in sexy lace.
And I’ll have to share my bed, my quiet comfy place.

Ooooh, you smelled like beer again last night
So oooooh, this time, I’m thinkin’ that, I’m thinkin that –
We are never, ever, ever gonna live together
We-EEE are never, ever, ever gonna live together.
Try to watch SportsCenter when
The Bachelor’s clearly on, so
We are never ever ever gonna live together.

I used to think that maybe someday someday
I could live with boys, but now I think no wayyyy.
So he calls me up and he’s like “I won’t leave the seat up anymore!”
And I’m like, I’m just, I mean this is disgusting you know, like
We are never gonna live together. Like ever.

We are never, ever, ever gonna live together
We-EEE are never, ever, ever gonna live together.
You will learn the prime time
To watch Lifetime’s all the time
Or weeee are never ever ever gonna live together

We are never, ever, ever gonna live together
We-EEE are never, ever, ever gonna live together.
Dirty socks and loud snoring
And more gas than my car, 
Yeah, we are never ever ever gonna live together.

…Unless he’s one of these studs, of course.

So until the fateful day arrives that I move in with a boyfriend, fiancee, husband, whatever, I’m going to bask in bubble baths, drinking wine, chocolate truffles (that I don’t have to share), crying during chick flicks, walking around in my underwear, and all those other girly things. 😉 

Day 234 – What Not To Do In 2013

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I know I resolved not to really make any resolutions for the New Year. But still, when given a fresh start, it’s hard not to consider making some changes. I’ve been thinking about things that I’ve done in the past that maybe it’s time to stop doing.

So rather than me listing you things I will resolve to do, here’s my “What Not To Do in 2013” list:

10. Putting the lid of my Starbucks drink on the counter without putting a napkin down first. Advice brought to you by Jess Pester who watched me do this without realizing how many germs I was allowing into my delicious latte and informed me of my error. Gross. Kill me.

9. Confusing late night boredom for hunger. Just because the Law and Order SVU marathon has finally ended, doesn’t mean I need to make a  grilled cheese sandwich at 11:30 pm. Though for some reason they seem to taste better late at night than at any other time of the day.

8. Texting and Driving. Even though I can literally text with my eyes closed  I do it so often, it’s better to be safe than sorry. But seriously, everyone should get on board with this one.

7. Going to the same restaurant/bar all the time. There is more to life than Blockheads on 33rd and 3rd. Like Caliente Cab down the block.

6. Texting ex-boyfriends. That’s NOT gonna fly in 2013. Responding is okay if they text first though. Baby steps.

5. Going commando. Really not entirely appropriate for anywhere except laying on the couch in sweatpants watching Law and Order marathons and bored-eating (see #9). In which case, this is null and void.

4. Drinking like I’m still in college. Seriously. It’s taking a toll on my body and I end up doing stupid stuff (see #6) and the hangovers are 10x worse and I JUST CAN’T DO IT ANYMORE OKAY?!??!?

3. Going to bed SUPER SUPER LATE for no reason. It makes me feel like crap the next day, and I end up having to by two coffees instead of one morning coffee, and if I’m tired enough, I’ll even put the lid down without a napkin (see #10).

2. Buying clothes a size smaller so that “When I lose 5 more pounds, I’ll fit into them!” I’m just setting myself up for failure.

1. Stealing my mom’s wine after she goes to sleep. …JK that’s totally still gonna happen but it’ll be cute to watch me try for a few weeks.

New Years Res

~Happy 2013!~