Tag Archives: boys

A Fantasy Love Life

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It’s Week 11 of the Fantasy Football season and I’m in 4th place in my league, so you can say things are getting pretty serious. This is my first year participating in this phenomenon that all our brothers, friends, dads and boyfriends are all obsessed with for all of football season, and let me tell you – it’s quite fun. It gives being a football fan another reason to be competitive even when your team is sucking (thanks Jets). Also, boys think you’re a total catch when you tell them you play fantasy!!!!!!!

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I named my team Colin Kaeperlick-me for a reason, ladies.

While texting interchangeably about football and potential new boyfriends one night, Daniella and I came to the strange conclusion that operating within the love life of a twenty-something is essentially the same as managing your fantasy football team. How you ask? Lets go through the details of fantasy football and examine how each directly relates to how you, the owner of your team, can take control of your relationships.

The Draft

Like every football season, your fantasy season begins with a draft. Here is where you select your players (aka the boys you want to have on your radar). In girl world, this is known is “Calling Dibs.” That way you and your friends are not all trying to have the same player on your team. Clarify who-gets-who and you eliminate not only competition, but also, totally avoid friend fights! Woo!

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Hopefully there are enough good contenders out there for all of you.

Your Starters

Once you’ve got your team drafted, you have to decide who is going to be in your starting line-up, aka, the dudes you are going to primarily focus on. Let’s do a quick breakdown of a few of the positions so you can decide who you need to place in which slots to ensure a win for you each match-up.

  • Quarterback – Your QB is a crucial player, and you want someone who is going to perform well against most other teams’ defensive lines. Girl world: Here’s a dude that you want to make sure can withstand any crowd of girls that surrounds him. Probably a pretty boy, who doesn’t know how cute he is, and thinks you’re the prettiest and funniest girl in the bar and will always lob a drink right into your hand. He’ll toss you texts daily and throw you lots of attention. So as long as he’s not injured or on a bye-week (aka he stayed in to play video games instead of going to the bar), he should be someone who’s going to always give you points.
  • Wide Receiver – Placing a WR is tough because week in and week out; it’s very hard to project how many points they will get for you. Even some of the best WRs out there will have slow weeks here and there. So while they are great for a fun night out once and a while, sometimes they’re just going to suck. Reserve this spot for the super hot guy who invites you and all your friends out to get into a hot club for free on one weekend, but that you don’t necessarily want to deal with the following weekend. Probably not BF material, but in the dating world, good to have around.
  • Running Back – This, ladies, is the position that you need to fill with your leading men. They are able to win you points in a multitude of ways (passing, running, etc). These are your all around guys, and probably the ones you’re going to want to LOCK DOWN. They’re fun, they’re handsome, they can pay for your drinks but aren’t flashy with their money. They like playing beer pong AND dancing, and look good in button-downs or their favorite NFL jersey. Draft a great running back so you know that when the weather gets cold and you wanna settle down, you have someone to watch Love Actually and drink Pinot Noir with.
  • Kicker – While your kicker can randomly surprise you sometimes, from a fantasy standpoint, he’s usually nothing to write home about. Good to have around on like, a Monday night, when you just want to hang out, grab a beer at the local bar, and watch the game. Don’t drag them along and definitely give them a chance to shine, because there might be that one game where he saves you from what would’ve been a devastating loss or surprises you with flowers after a shitty day at work.
  • Defense/Special Teams – These are your guy friends. They get you some points, but not the way a QB, RB, or WR will. Once and while there will be an interception and one of your guy friends can magically turn into the perfect boyfriend, but for the most part, they just need to stand their ground. Block out the creepers. Help you with your fantasy team lineups to impress the other boys. (Realistically these are the bros we’ll probably all marry but we’re too young and crazy to realize it yet. Thanks for sticking by us, Defense. We’ll come around eventually.)
Yes, Yes, Yes &  Yes Please

Yes, Yes, Yes & Yes Please

Your Bench

Just like we all had safety schools when applying to college, and just like real/fantasy football teams have players who sit on the bench, we need our back up dudes. When things fall through, when the guy you’ve decided on gets hurt or added to IR or decides he’s not ready to commit to a team or something, you’ll have a few back-ups to pull up to your starting roster. Consider yourself unaffected when you have to replace a starter with someone from your bench.

Adding, Dropping, & Trading

Here is the beauty of fantasy football/the dating world. You can drop players whenever you feel like. Not giving you enough points week after week? Failing to return your texts often enough? Drop them. It’s as easy as the click of a few buttons. “Are you sure you want to drop this player?” Hit yes. Just do it.

Because then, take a glance at the free agent pool! See who’s available to pick up off the waiver wire. If they’re not yet owned by someone, pick them up! Sit them on the bench for a backup, or if you’re feeling confident, slide him right into your starting roster.

Trading….meh. I’m not a huge fan of trading anyone my starting lineup on my fantasy team or in real life. But if you and the members of the league can come to a mutual agreement…then trade away.

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SO BASICALLY. What I’m trying to say is that managing a Fantasy Football team is 100 times easier than organizing the social calendar of a single girl. So ladies, if you can master yours, I give you permission to do a full on touchdown dance.

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*Disclaimer: A quick reminder that this in regards to dating in New York City. As in letting boys take us out for dinners and drinks, and figuring out which lucky playa is gonna change his ways and settle down with us. Just in case anyone had the wrong idea.

Lata, bitches, good luck with the rest of your season!!!

Day 238 – “We Are Never, Ever, Ever Gonna Live Together”

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Having my brother home from college has honestly been a ton of fun. I was lucky enough to be blessed with a brother who is truly one of my best friends in the world. Caring and protective even though he’s younger than me, he’s as much of a big brother as I could’ve wanted; Also stinky and annoying, though, because he still is my baby bro. And as much as I’ve enjoyed his company, his hysterical sense of humor, and having someone around to make fun of my mom with, it’s made me realize how much it’s going to SUCK when I have to live with a boy. I have a hard enough time keeping my personal space habitable when it’s just me…imagine how hard it’ll be when all of a sudden that same amount of personal space is shared by two people. 

I was inspired last night to write a little song parody about how tough living with a dude is gonna be, after Kyle and his friends were blasting college football, playing video games, and eating Taco Bell. Essentially, boys being boys. But all I wanted was to watch “Remember Me” in bed and drink tea and the roars of college football fans in the background were kinda killin’ the vibe. So here it is. Sing to the tune of “We are Never, Ever, Ever Getting Back Together” by Taylor Swift. Enjoy:

I remember when you left the seat up the first time
Sayin’ this is it, I’ve had enough, cause like
I’ve fallen in the toilet twice this month
When you failed to put it down…what?
Then I went to wash up in the sink
See some, hairs in there from when you shaved, I think
And you’re, complaining that the bathroom’s painted pink
I say, “It’s pretty!” You frown and, you tell me, “Too girly.” 

Ooooh, made me watch sports again last night,
So oooooh, this time, I’m thinkin’ that, I’m thinkin that
We are never, ever, ever gonna live together
We-EEE are never, ever, ever gonna live together.
When your friends come over they raid
The fridge – eat my food, so,
We are never ever ever gonna live together.

I’m really gonna need personal space.
I don’t, appreciate you farting in my face.
Wanna, sleep in sweatpants, not in sexy lace.
And I’ll have to share my bed, my quiet comfy place.

Ooooh, you smelled like beer again last night
So oooooh, this time, I’m thinkin’ that, I’m thinkin that –
We are never, ever, ever gonna live together
We-EEE are never, ever, ever gonna live together.
Try to watch SportsCenter when
The Bachelor’s clearly on, so
We are never ever ever gonna live together.

I used to think that maybe someday someday
I could live with boys, but now I think no wayyyy.
So he calls me up and he’s like “I won’t leave the seat up anymore!”
And I’m like, I’m just, I mean this is disgusting you know, like
We are never gonna live together. Like ever.

We are never, ever, ever gonna live together
We-EEE are never, ever, ever gonna live together.
You will learn the prime time
To watch Lifetime’s all the time
Or weeee are never ever ever gonna live together

We are never, ever, ever gonna live together
We-EEE are never, ever, ever gonna live together.
Dirty socks and loud snoring
And more gas than my car, 
Yeah, we are never ever ever gonna live together.

…Unless he’s one of these studs, of course.

So until the fateful day arrives that I move in with a boyfriend, fiancee, husband, whatever, I’m going to bask in bubble baths, drinking wine, chocolate truffles (that I don’t have to share), crying during chick flicks, walking around in my underwear, and all those other girly things. 😉