Tag Archives: cold

An Open Letter to Winter Weather (In Rhyme)

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Dear Frigid Winter Weather,

For weeks you’ve plagued my days
With snow and slush and frozen mush –
I’m in a frosty haze.

Each morning as I step from bed
I’m met with chilly floors;
Fearful to touch the metal knobs
On all my stone-cold doors.

My landlord is an icy bitch
And won’t turn up the heat.
So all I have to keep me warm
Are slippers for my feet.

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I walk down Lexington, a scarf
Wound tight around my neck.
Because of you, my four block stroll
Is a long and icy trek.

The subway tracks are packed and wet.
Trains running with delays.
Daily commutes in thick snow boots
Avoiding puddles like a maze.

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Pictured: Entrance to the 86th Street Subway Station

Winter storms come days apart,
All with stupid names.
I’m not sure what you’re up to, winter,
But I’m sick of all your games.

There was no time before this year
You flew in with such strength.
I could tolerate your presence here
But never to this length.

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Not only I have noticed.
I know many would agree.
Cause every fucking Instagram
Is of a snowy tree.

And every Facebook status shouts,
“Guys! OMG! It’s cold!!!”
All the updates, texts, and tweets
Are getting kind of old.

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#snowytrees #winter #snowmygod #stfu

And then that stupid Groundhog
Ran and hid and bid you, “Stay!”
I’ll kill that thing, I swear, by spring,
So you will go away.

Cause I just miss being outside
And walking where I please
Without the fear of freezing,
Slipping, falling to my knees…

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I’m running out of Netflix shows.
I’m running out of tea.
So if I may, on this cold day,
Speak on behalf of NYC.

In my open letter to winter weather
“PLEASE LEAVE US!” New York begs.
So I can wear my shorts and skirts
And finally shave my legs.

Love Fuck you very much,

Kristen

Day 254 – Cold Weather Survival Guide

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So this is what my walk from Penn Station to my office building looked like this morning:

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It was real rough. High of 20 degrees for the day, wind chill at 0 degrees… It’s no wonder I booked a flight back to Miami yesterday afternoon. This is some beyond-the-wall nonsense and I never agreed to any of it. So unless I’m cuddling with Jon Snow in a snug little castle I really shouldn’t have to deal with this.

Born and raised in Queens, I should probably be more equipped to deal with these wintery temperatures but four years in South Florida has thinned my blood. I mean, by senior year, I was pulling on Ugg boots when the temps hit the high 50s, even low 60s. Spoiled. Spoiled rotten. And now here I am completely unprepared for life in the tundra that is New York City.

To my friends from the northeast still enjoying the South Florida weather, I’m making this post your Cold Weather Survival Guide so that you may be more prepared than I was for these frigid January temps. The following are some things that are essential to own or do during your first winter home in NYC/anywhere else in the northeast:

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The biggest, warmest, fuzziest slippers possible. I think the worst feeling for me thus far has been having to tip-toe across the FREEZING COLD tile floor of my bathroom to get in the shower on these frosty winter mornings. Keep your tootsies toasty in some slippas.

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The blanket cocoon is an absolute necessity when trying to go to sleep at night (especially for those of you with bedrooms in the basement…aka…me). To Properly Cocoon: Lay in pencil pose at one end of the blanket holding the edge against you and roll across the bed until you are entirely cocooned. Then, when you’re wrapped like a taquito, lift your legs an tuck the end under so that the bottom flap won’t let any frigid air in. Voila. Blanket cocoon. See below for demonstration.

Blanket Cocoon

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Chapstick. Seriously. Don’t go ANYWHERE without it or your lips will actually fall off of your face and no one will ever kiss you EVER AGAIN.

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Snuggie_Burgandy_1000

Snuggies. Underrated because it actually is convenient for a blanket to have sleeves (unless of course you’re trying to blanket cocoon [see above] in which case a Snuggie is not ideal). But seriously. You’re under a blanket, nice and warm, and don’t even need to take your arm out from under it as you reach for your….

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…steamy hot beverage. I have never drank more hot tea than I have the past few weeks. I think my BTC (blood tea content) is definitely through the roof, but I’m okay with it because there’s nothing I want to be more than hot blooded in these cold winter months.

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spirit-hood

One of these. Which apparently are called Spirithoods even though I’ve always referred to them as “Fuzzy Animal Hats With Paws Attached” which I still think is a much better name for them, but whatever. I’m a fan and they’re super cozy. Plus, you can take really cute SnapChats in them to send to people captioned “Rawr! *kitty emoji*” and it makes everyone all warm inside, and remember, warm = good.

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Bake things. Baked goodies make everyone feel a little warmer, whether it’s the actual extra layer they’re adding onto your hips or just the enjoyment of some sweet, melty goodness on a cold winter night. Like the Brownie Cupcakes with a Reese’s Center that I made last week. Cook brownie batter in cupcake tins, but put a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup in the middle while you’re pouring in the batter and bake for 20 mins. on 375 degrees. Throw them in the microwave for 15 seconds before you eat them and prepare for hot peanut butter magma spilling out of a rich chocolately cupcake volcano. HOT.

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And my last and final piece of advice on staying warm in the winter is visiting warm places. Yup. I’ll be migrating south for a weekend in February back to Miami to escape this wretched winter!!!!!11 It’s the only real way to stay warm in sub-freezing temps. Miami, here I come! (Though I should probably lay off the baked goods [above] if I’m going to be wearing a bikini again fairly soon…)

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So in conclusion…………………….

……………………….winter sucks.

Stay warm, everybody!

P.S. THIS:

cutest dog ever