Tag Archives: humor

Sorry, I’m Not Sorry – The Non-Apology

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We’ve all heard this phrase before. We’re probably all annoyed by it already. The “Sorry-I’m-Not-Sorry” phenomenon has taken over the internet, serving as one of high-school girls’ favorite #hashtags and Instagram photo captions. Another shameless selfie? Go ahead, post it on Facebook. Got drunk last night and now you’re hungover at work? Bet you don’t even feel bad about it. Talking crap about someone and you just DON’T CARE if they know? Must be because…

ImageAs long as you’re sorry that you’re not sorry, we’re okay with it.

While the “Sorry-Not-Sorry” grows to be more widely accepted than actual apologies themselves, we as young adults may find ourselves facing the very real version of this seemingly minor issue. The non-apology.

What is a non-apology, you may be wondering? Chances are you’ve encountered it sometime recently. Or maybe you’re one of the douchebags who is a non-apologizer. But regardless of which part you play, it seems to me to be an unavoidable phenomenon that we as maturing individuals will have to acknowledge, accept, and overcome. The non-apology occurs when rather than apologizing for doing something hurtful or sketchy, there is a successful dodge, excuse, or blatant disregard of the issue at hand. Essentially, this is them saying to you:

mileyBitchy.

There are a few types of non-apologies. The following three are the most-common, in order of how crazy they’ll drive you.

3. The Bait-and-Switch

Like the retail strategy, the bait-and-switch begins with a conversation where you believe you are going to get an apology, but at the last minute, the blame suddenly switches to you. You’ve gotten into a rough situation with a friend and you’ve finally decided to have a conversation in hopes of attaining the prize – an apology. And so it begins, “You’re right, maybe I shouldn’t have said that….BUT -” And that’s where it all changes. With the introduction of the word “but,” the entire game has changed. Your conversation now will end with either two apologies, zero apologies, or one apology – yours. This technique is typically executed by people who are good with persuasion, debating and/or brainwashing. You won’t even realize it’s happened until the conversation is over and you’ll stand there, wishing for the words that just slipped through your fingers. A simple sorry.

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2. The Teeth-Grinder

This non-apology may or may not actually include the words “I’m Sorry.” Usually said through gritted teeth, this apology is more of an excuse than heartfelt remorse. The Teeth-Grinder is so clearly not an apology that anyone in the vicinity will probably feel the tension. The non-apologizer will be all, “I guess I get where you’re coming from. But, whatever, right? We’re good?” And you’ll nod, but inside, you’ll be thinking:

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1. The Shrug-It-Off

The worst of the three most common non-apologies, the Shrug-It-Off is so shrug-tastic that the issue is usually never even discussed. In fact, it’s usually straight avoided. These are the moments you’ll thank God that the weird, scientific phenomena of spontaneous combustion is real (is it real?) and wish it upon those around you. Maybe the other individual doesn’t understand that you’re mad. Or maybe they do, and they just don’t care. Maybe they’re just… sorry-they’re-not-sorry. And they’ll sit across the table from you, as you wallow in anger and apprehension until…

 flip

When it comes down to it, there will always be times in your life that you feel you deserve an apology and you never get one. The important lesson to take away is that you will be a happier person if you learn to accept the apologies you never receive. Don’t dwell on them. Because keep in mind, perhaps there was a time when you should’ve said something and neglected to.

When in doubt, forgive.

When you can, forget.

And when you just can’t bring yourself to do either, flip tables.

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Day Seventy-Three – #LauraProblems

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Before starting this post I actually Googled “How to blog about your best friend without it being super gay.” I got no results.

Per her request, this post is dedicated to my best friend Laura, mostly so she can read it when she’s bored at the airport. She leaves this afternoon for Italy with her family for two weeks so I’m looking for a substitute BFF until she gets back if there are any takers.

Laura has been my best friend for almost eight years now which is SO WEIRD but pretty cool that someone has been able to tolerate me for that long. We were 14 years old when we met. Which means I still wore puka shell necklaces, Laura’s hair was still a full-blown 70s style afro, and we wore light blue polo shirts/plaid skirts daily, as students of The Mary Louis Academy. We met on picture day, when my lovely best friend looked a little something like this:

Hottest Chonga on the Block

High school was, for lack of a better word, eventful. From school dances to sweet sixteens, corner stores that sold us 40s to sake bars that let us drink although we were underage, we were always in search of a good time. We had a solid crew of four through most of high school – a fearsome foursome, known as The Party Crew (or at least that’s what we called ourselves….haters gonna hate). We shared secrets and Chinese food, hated all the same people, had nights we’ll never remember and others that I’ll never forget. She was my partner in crime, the LC to my Kristin, the chaser to my vodka and the #1 spot on my MySpace top 8.

Coolest Bitches in the School.

Fast forward to May of 2008, when everyone went into panic mode. I was off to Miami, and she to Binghamton, and although we were best friends, everyone had that sliver of worry that it would be hard to stay in touch. (Mostly because the Find My Friends iPhone app didn’t exist yet – how would I be aware of her constant whereabouts?) But I was lucky enough to have Laura visit me in Miami not once, not twice, but on three separate occasions, every one of which was an adventure in itself. I also paid two trips to Binghamton, and when we were both home in the summer, we’d cram as much time together as we could into those three months. We spent our time making our way through the douchiest bars in New York City (Turtle Bay, McFaddens, Calico Jacks…the bars we hate to love and love to hate), trying to order Dominoes long after they stopped delivering, creeping on 2014s and DJs and creating FUEGO LISTS (if you don’t know what it is…you’re probably on one).

Queenzbabygrls

I’m happy to say that after eight long years, and after knowing everything about me, Laura still wants to be my best friend. And so this post is dedicated to you, Laura. The best friend who will be the first to embarrass me in front of a group of people I don’t know but the last to judge me when I do something stupid.

Here’s to being best friends for another 8 years, until we’re 30 and hopefully married with real jobs but definitely still living the reckless lifestyles that we’re used to. Peace, love, and parrot stew.

And for your enjoyment, some photo documentation of the love-fest that is our friendship.

Trouble.

A shoulder to cry on….or sit on.

Flirty

Some bunny loves you!

My number one bittie for lifeeee ❤

Love you Laur, bring me back a hot Italian man or at least some pasta<3